Wednesday, September 1, 2010

What Rostov made me realize about love

I’m glad I went to Rostov.

I always said I wouldn’t go back to my mission until I was married, so I could take someone with me and introduce them to the people and places that meant so much to me – and so I could have moral support as I visited once again this country that I have such a love-hate relationship with. BUT – here I am, single, twelve years later. And despite all the comments I’ve endured the past ten days about my marital status (some nicer than others), despite the vague loneliness/awkwardness of navigating everything on my own – I’m glad I came.

Because I’ve remembered something about my mission that is blowing my mind a little bit.

I’m amazed by how much I loved people – how deeply, sincerely, urgently, completely. I’ve also been reading my mission journals on this trip. I went through a period where I felt a little embarrassed for myself as I’d read them – for my naivete, my over-the-top sugary sweetness – but now I’m kind of in awe. And the feeling I had when I saw Alla Ivanovna last week for the first time in twelve years, when she came running over and hugged me, was overpowering. I felt it in my whole body, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. When did life teach me to stop feeling that way about people? Was I hurt? Did I not get in return what I was giving? Did I become distracted?

I wonder if I can love people that way again. While deep and sincere, those feelings were also so wrapped up in my urgent desire for them to accept something, to do something, to believe something, to become something. Now the “fervent zeal of youth” has worn off, my own ideas about faith have matured, and I no longer have the same urgency and drive to push myself towards something so ideal, so torturously unattainable. Which is a relief and feels peaceful and right – yet at the same time, I’m a little sad that I also don’t feel as deeply, as passionately about others. Maybe I can be that devoted in a different way – love that way again, be that person, but reconcile it all somehow. Take it to a new level, loving deeply but more quietly, without a secret hope for people to change, without a secret conviction that I know what they need so much.

There are people in this world who I have loved, and loved deeply. And who have loved me, too. So many that it’s impossible to maintain deep and constant connections with them all. I recognize that in a way I didn’t before, and it’s stopping me in my tracks. These connections are more real and more important than anything in my life, and I find myself wanting to settle down, to build a life in a settled place with deep and lasting connections. I think that “fervent zeal of youth” is giving way to something different.

6 comments:

Julie Bradshaw said...

I love this post.

Genevieve said...

Allison-

I stumbled on your blog a while ago and have enjoyed following you on this trip of yours. I totally relate this post. I have some of the same feelings about my mission.....a little embarrassed about how naive and innocent I was about life. And yet, when I really think about it, I was totally happy, throwing myself into the Lord's work and completely loving people. I wish I were a little more like that, not so cynical as I am now. Sometimes its sad to grow up. I hope you are doing well and that its not so hot, I certainly wouldn't have survived in the heat you have described!!

Keep posting...

Genevieve

Wanders said...

You continue to amaze.

Allison said...

Thanks guys! Genevieve -- so fun to hear from you! Please keep in touch!

Schmathy said...

I so identify with this post and felt many of the same things when I returned to St. Petersburg after my mission...thanks for putting those feelings/thoughts into words...

Liz said...

Hey Allie, this comment is way overdue :) but I was reading over your posts again today. I LOVE this post and really feel like I relate to this.

You said, "When did life teach me to stop feeling that way about people? Was I hurt? Did I not get in return what I was giving? Did I become distracted?" I've been asking myself that same question as my heart opens up more and more in my marriage. Some of the feelings I had when I was younger (though, like you said, a less mature version) have been so far from me and must have left so subtlety that I didn't even realize they were gone. I feel in some ways I've been missing out on the best part of life! (At least to some degree or another.) Thanks for the beautiful post and reminder of the best, most worthwhile and truest feelings in life.

I'll hope you'll post again soon!